The Sweet in the Bittersweet

 A little thunder. A little rain. Ahhhh the sweetness of springtime. Bittersweet too. Got the phone call last night that a friend from high school lost her battle with cancer hours before... So strange - in my mind, I'm still 25. Now, being 41 is NOT old... but it's a reminder that life is precious. My mother - in her wisdom - said, "You either grow older or you don't... that's just life. It's not fair - but it's life." So for today - I am growing older. Hopefully, a little wiser. A little more caring. A little more compassionate. A little more passionate. A little more loving. I choose to be less worried about laundry, dishes, clean bedrooms, made beds - I want to hold my kids, hug and kiss 'em, meet my husband at the door at the end of his work day with a kiss and a smile. And cherish - oh, to cherish, even the mundane - isn't that where life happens? Life doesn't happen in the extravagant, well-thought out contrivances... it's in the simple breathing in and out, cold cereal for breakfast, teeball games, karate lessons, band concerts, family squabbles, helping with homework, working in the garage, mowing the yard stretches of life... It's in the beauty of the sunrise, the laughter of my children, my love for a happy marriage... thank You, God, for the sweet in the bittersweet, for the sunshine in the rain, for the extra in my ordinary days.

We Were Just Kids

 We were just kids... the older I get, the more I seem to realize the truth of that statement! Twenty one years ago today I said "I do". "I do" to what? Oh, there have been lots of things "I do'd"! First and foremost, I did to love ... awww - I know, take a moment. I can remember a vivid moment when my mother told me, "you never really know a man till you live with him." That woman continues to be wise beyond her years. But, I digress....

Some of the things I said "I do" to:

   Love             A best friend      Laughter         Confidant

       Strength             Dreams              Mallory               Clay   

            Nolan          Growing up           Growing older                 Wisdom                  

                 Comfort                   Forever                 Truth                Joys     

        Sorrows                 Wishes          Hopes              Completion

I wouldn't trade any of these things for the entire world. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't have done anything differently. We wouldn't be who we are today without this road we have traveled together. We would have missed that champagne cork rolling off the balcony of our hotel room. The year in Oklahoma City. Milk crates for end tables. A battery cable on fire. Spaghetti from a box. A small dog that ate furniture. The birth of a beautiful daughter. The three months in Wichita. A huge garage sale ridding ourselves of all things baby... The birth of a baby boy. Our first home. An ice storm. Making it through a nine day power outage. Our growing up years in Blackwell. The crazy lady in the alley. The birth of another boy. Moving "back home". God growing us and using us in ways we would never have imagined twenty one years ago. Have there been hard times? Yep. Will there be more? Most likely. But knowing that the good times far outweigh the bad times is complete joy to me. And knowing the wonderful man God gave me will be right there by my side makes all the difference. Scott, I love you - and I'm looking forward to the next fifty anniversaries! 

Trading Despair for Peace

"Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel." Phil. 4:6-7

For the time being, this is going to be my life verse. It's been a hard week. I have really struggled with panic attacks - which in itself brings on bouts of guilt... how much faith do I have? I keep praying and giving my anxiety to the Lord but then I turn around and pick it right back up. Grrrrr. It's so frustrating. So many things on my mind right now. But I am standing on promises from God's word. "No weapon forged against me will prevail." My steps are directed by God Himself. He is my shield and rampart(a broad elevation or mound of earth raised as a fortification around a place and usually capped with a stone or earth parapet). I trust that He's working everything out. In the words of Beth Moore, I cannot deny fear - but I can deny the authority of it over my life... "I praise You God because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I thank You that you knit me together in my mother's womb. There is no unseen thing in me. Help me to lean NOT to my own understanding but to look to You who sets my feet in high places. Your ways and thoughts are higher than mine. I trust You and cast all my fears, anxiety, and worries on You because You care for me. Your yolk is easy and Your burden is light. God, give me beauty for ashes and strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair. In the mighty name of Jesus, I rebuke any power or stronghold that satan would use against me. I turn my heart toward Your precepts and ask that You would fill me with Your peace that passes all understanding. I pray that You would place a hedge of protection around my mind and use it only for Your glory. In Jesus' precious name, AMEN."

The Prison of Panic

 

 If you have never had one, be thankful. If you have, God bless you. What people call panic attacks is more like a personalized fear chamber that seems inescapable. Panic episodes for each person is so individualized - what makes me panic might not even phase someone else. But it all starts with the same thing... one little thought. Cast directly from the fingertips of Satan - and then you are trapped in torture for an amount of time that seems like forever. I am on a daily journey of asking God to renew my mind. I am a daughter of the King of Kings! He hasn't given me a spirit of fear but a spirit of power and a sound mind! My panic moments always revolve around my health. When I had my kidney stone about four weeks ago - my mind has been a consistent prison. Worrying about going to the doctor over one little thing - she'll think I'm crazy. Maybe I don't want to know what that one little thing is... but being afraid NOT to go to the doctor - back and forth... back and forth... Oh, and it doesn't stop with what's wrong... it travels the full length of the "what if's" line. And then combining that with worrying about actually saying out loud what I fear most - if I speak it - give it a name .... Lord, help me. Pray with me for the renewing of my mind. Pray for a guard around my heart. And pray for my sweet family as they put up with me and my issues. I am trusting that God is delivering me. I believe in His sovereignty. And at the end of the day - I believe God is still good.

"We fight with weapons that are different from those the world uses. Our weapons have power from God that can destroy the enemy's strong places. We destroy people's arguments and every proud thing that raises itself against the knowledge of God. We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ."
2 Cor. 10:4-5

"God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control." 2 Tim. 1:7

"The Lord himself will go before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forget you. Don't be afraid and don't worry." Deut. 31:8

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Rom. 12:2

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28

The Fragility of Life

 

 Over this last month I have been reminded of how precious and fragile life can be. Not only with the tiny blooms and buds of springtime but also with the tender souls that God has granted in my life. My little sister was upgraded in her diagnosis of relapsing/remitting multiple sclerosis to secondary progressive MS. While this may not seem significant in the words written - to the heart and soul, it's the gut-wrenching realization of how much living there is to do in the amount of time left to do it in. It's fragility is found in the diagnosis of cancer of an old schoolmate with a toddler of her own. It's found in the passing of time at the nursing home ... wondering, why am I still here? What purpose am I serving? It's found in the hurried harried life of another sister struggling to get through nursing school while trying to wear the many hats that she's been given - wife, mom, student, taxi, chef, referee, cheerleader, this list goes on and on... God grant me the words to bring sweetness to the heartbroken. Lord reach down and cradle those hurting so deeply tonight. Holy Spirit, intervene... intervene with groans and a language unknown to human ears but so near to the heart of the Father. Help me to treasure each moment. Guard my heart in those moments that bring tears to the eyes. Guard my mouth, Lord, in those moments that want to lash out with harsh words. Help me to be a blessing to others. Let my actions and words honor You.

Clean Pickles

After a recent visit to the ER, I dropped off some prescriptions at the pharmacy. I was very hungry at the time so decided to have a sandwich and salad at our local pizza eatery. Gobbled up my salad and got my sandwich/fries/pickle to go. I was excited that the boys would have a surprise snack after school! After picking up Nolan, while he was diving into the fries, that sandwich kept looking at me. I finally couldn't resist and took a couple of bites... toasted, ham and turkey, melted cheese - really good. I asked Nolan if he wanted the pickle. He looked at the pickle and then looked at me. "No, I only eat clean pickles." Some of the toasted crumbs from the sandwich had fallen onto the pickle. I laughed. "It is clean, honey. It's just crumbs from the bread." He looked at it again almost as if he didn't believe me. "No, thank you." Well, at least he has good manners!

Lesson Learned Lord

It was a serious moment. The sanctuary was quiet and silent prayers filled the room. The music was playing softly as the preacher began to invite people to the altar. I had one boy on each side of me. I don't notice it at first...
"Tee hee. Tee hee hee."
I open one eye and glance at Nolan. Nope. He's messing with the offering envelopes.
"Tee hee. Tee hee hee."
With my head still bowed, I look over at Clay who had his head resting on my shoulder.
"Shhhh. What is it son?" I ask.
"Mom, you have hairs under your nose that look just like a mustache!" he whispers with laughter in his voice.
I frown at him.
"Alright - that's enough. You need to pray. Bow your head and close your eyes."
We return to our quiet prayers when I feel him softly tapping my shoulder.
"Mom, I want to go forward to pray."
I am never one to stay seated if one of my kids wants to get on their knees at the altar. So I take his hand and we head towards the front. Nolan follows. The three of us kneel down together.
"What do you want to pray about?" I whispered in his ear.
He replied, "I want you and dad to lose weight."
I stared at him. Now, this really was a sweet moment - unexpected? yes - but sweet. I had just made an audition tape for the Biggest Loser and was fixing to mail it. Scott and I had been making extra time to walk in the evenings. But still, I know I must have had a look on my face of disbelief. And he looked at me with those big blue eyes and a smile on his face. Any hurt feelings I might have had melted away because I knew he meant well. Where else would we go to ask for help? Of course we would pray. With a humbled heart, my two boys and I placed our burdens on the altar. Thank You for the reminder Lord that we can bring ALL our burdens - not just the ones we think You care about. Thank you for using my sweet boy to teach me. Lesson learned Lord.

It makes me... Mom

I sit here staring at the computer screen. I need to be doing so much. My heart is just broken and burdened this morning. I want so much for my children. All the things that any good parent wants really. But there are things that I want for them that I can't give them. Motivation, excellence, drive ... school has always been a struggle for my poor Clay. Not so much for the other two - oh, they have had their moments - but a constant grief is what it has been for my oldest son. I don't know how to fix it. That's who I am - that's my place in the family. I'm the fixer. And yet, I have a piece of my heart that is struggling and I can't fix it. Does he have a stubborn personality? Yes. Does he have focusing issues? Yes. Can he be annoying just like any nine year old boy? Yes. Is he unteachable? No. He needs people in his school life that are fully vested in him - which right now is questionable. I can't fix that either. So right now I see eight more seasons of hardship for him. It breaks my heart. So all I can do is pray. Encourage him. Pray... and then pray some more. There are no words I can even use to describe how much I love my children - my family - and the lengths I would go to for them. But I do recognize that there are places they have to go that I can't. I can't take the hurts from them - although I carry the hurts with them. I can't make the grades for them - although I struggle over each page with them. I can't make them be self-motivated - although I can lead by example. Why can't others see what I see? There is so much potential and yet I can't seem to correctly harness all that Clay is -point him in the right direction- and help him to excel, all at once. I can't fix it. It drives me crazy. It drives me to do better. It drives me to fight harder. It makes me question my abilities. It makes me dig down deep and see what I'm really made of. It makes me want to scoop up my kids and cradle them til the world goes away. It makes me.... Mom.

Crispy Qui Gon

Today was a day filled with laughter... I love days like that. Actually, it started the night before at the home of some friends. We played rockband and balderdash and spent the evening with a constant laugh or smile on our faces. We slept in, watched the boys play video games, watched a show that was on the DVR, and watched a movie. Clay's choice of movie was Star Wars Episode 1. **MOVIE SPOILER AHEAD** If you haven't seen it and plan to watch it soon, quit reading! ... at the very end of the movie Qui Gon Jinn dies. He's a good guy Jedi. Customary to Jedi ways, Qui Gon Jinn's body is burned in the presence of the Jedi council. So as we are all sitting there, watching Qui Gon turn into a crispy critter, Scott makes a sarcastic remark "I bet that smells good." Clay looks at him in disgust and says, "Dad! They're not going to eat him!" We laughed until we thought we couldn't laugh anymore! Even Clay started laughing but didn't know what he was laughing

  for.

 

After the laughter subsided, Scott thought it would be funny to come up with some kind of meal and call it Qui Gon Jinn. When I asked Clay what he thought Qui Gon Jinn should have in it, he commented: "Meat!"

That kid is not too slow on the uptake! So we enjoyed another round of laughter.

Hmmmm - it's moments like those I want to wrap up in my pocket, take out on a rainy day and just smile.....

It's Been Too Long...

December was a crazy time for our family. All the coming and going. Family gatherings. Church functions. Community celebrations.... whew. I'm glad December is over! There have been so many things to cross my mind -- "I've got to remember to blog that..." Even my family says stuff like, "there's something for your blog!" So in no particular order... here are some things you might have heard from a family member at one time or another in the last month:

"Mom - that lady comes to my class but one time I saw her - she downloaded her hair. It didn't look like that," said Nolan as he was pointing to a woman that comes to his classroom. "Really? She downloaded her hair?" was my reply. "No. Not off the internet or anything. I mean it wasn't up," he says while using his index fingers, placed closely to the back of his head, and pointing upwards.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Ha ha ha - Nolan, I'm gonna stick this in your kah-rotch!" Clay shouted, laughing at his brother with a new light saber in hand. They were supposed to be putting their jammies on. The word "crotch" is not totally acceptable in our home but it's better than some of the alternatives. That being said, my boys have turned that one syllable word into  a two-syllable one, which unfortunately, makes it even funnier. My response to that was to holler back: "No one is sticking anything in anyone's crotch!"... oh, my. If someone had been standing outside our front door - what would they be thinking right now??

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I am allergic to hard shellfish. I can eat shrimp but I will never know the joys of lobster or crab (although I don't know that I am totally missing out on that) dipped in butter. Mallory is apprehensive to even try crab because she wonders if she might be allergic too. Not the boys. They dive in face first. One of the last times we went out for dinner, Clay ordered shrimp and crab enchiladas. After eating till he was full, he poked a bunch of crab on his fork and waved it at Mallory. "Come on, Mal. Just try it. It's good." he says with a grin. "No, Clay, I don't want to."
"Come on, Mal! It's not going to hurt you. It's dead!"
Mallory laughs easy - which is so nice - cause all my kids have a beautiful laugh.... and Nolan doesn't want her to miss out either - so, thinking she might not fully understand dead.... "Yeah, Mal. They just went to the beach with their shotgun. Saw a crab. Shot it and cooked it. It's okay..." The restaurant was mostly empty on our side but there was enough laughter at our table to fill the place. We kept picturing someone jogging down the beach, with a gun, crab hunting. .....