I sit here staring at the computer screen. I need to be doing so much. My heart is just broken and burdened this morning. I want so much for my children. All the things that any good parent wants really. But there are things that I want for them that I can't give them. Motivation, excellence, drive ... school has always been a struggle for my poor Clay. Not so much for the other two - oh, they have had their moments - but a constant grief is what it has been for my oldest son. I don't know how to fix it. That's who I am - that's my place in the family. I'm the fixer. And yet, I have a piece of my heart that is struggling and I can't fix it. Does he have a stubborn personality? Yes. Does he have focusing issues? Yes. Can he be annoying just like any nine year old boy? Yes. Is he unteachable? No. He needs people in his school life that are fully vested in him - which right now is questionable. I can't fix that either. So right now I see eight more seasons of hardship for him. It breaks my heart. So all I can do is pray. Encourage him. Pray... and then pray some more. There are no words I can even use to describe how much I love my children - my family - and the lengths I would go to for them. But I do recognize that there are places they have to go that I can't. I can't take the hurts from them - although I carry the hurts
with them. I can't make the grades for them - although I struggle over each page with them. I can't make them be self-motivated - although I can lead by example. Why can't others see what I see? There is so much potential and yet I can't seem to correctly harness all that Clay is -point him in the right direction- and help him to excel, all at once. I can't fix it. It drives me crazy. It drives me to do better. It drives me to fight harder. It makes me question my abilities. It makes me dig down deep and see what I'm really made of. It makes me want to scoop up my kids and cradle them til the world goes away. It makes me.... Mom.
Stephanie, Clay reminds me of our older son. He has never fit the same mold as everyone else and it looks like his son (who's almost 7) will be the same.
ReplyDeleteLooking at it from this side, I wish we had found more of the things he was good at and interested in and concentrated on them. I wish we had homeschooled him so we could tailor his education to him rather than keep on kicking at the pricks (Acts 26:14
And when we were all fallen to the earth, I heard a voice speaking unto me, and saying in the Hebrew tongue, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.) Our son was a very poor fit for public education and trying to make him do it created so much misery for him and for us, to a lesser degree.
What interests Clay? Where does he shine? Art, music, animals, mechanical things, the outdoors? Help him learn what he needs to through those things.