It makes me... Mom

I sit here staring at the computer screen. I need to be doing so much. My heart is just broken and burdened this morning. I want so much for my children. All the things that any good parent wants really. But there are things that I want for them that I can't give them. Motivation, excellence, drive ... school has always been a struggle for my poor Clay. Not so much for the other two - oh, they have had their moments - but a constant grief is what it has been for my oldest son. I don't know how to fix it. That's who I am - that's my place in the family. I'm the fixer. And yet, I have a piece of my heart that is struggling and I can't fix it. Does he have a stubborn personality? Yes. Does he have focusing issues? Yes. Can he be annoying just like any nine year old boy? Yes. Is he unteachable? No. He needs people in his school life that are fully vested in him - which right now is questionable. I can't fix that either. So right now I see eight more seasons of hardship for him. It breaks my heart. So all I can do is pray. Encourage him. Pray... and then pray some more. There are no words I can even use to describe how much I love my children - my family - and the lengths I would go to for them. But I do recognize that there are places they have to go that I can't. I can't take the hurts from them - although I carry the hurts with them. I can't make the grades for them - although I struggle over each page with them. I can't make them be self-motivated - although I can lead by example. Why can't others see what I see? There is so much potential and yet I can't seem to correctly harness all that Clay is -point him in the right direction- and help him to excel, all at once. I can't fix it. It drives me crazy. It drives me to do better. It drives me to fight harder. It makes me question my abilities. It makes me dig down deep and see what I'm really made of. It makes me want to scoop up my kids and cradle them til the world goes away. It makes me.... Mom.

Crispy Qui Gon

Today was a day filled with laughter... I love days like that. Actually, it started the night before at the home of some friends. We played rockband and balderdash and spent the evening with a constant laugh or smile on our faces. We slept in, watched the boys play video games, watched a show that was on the DVR, and watched a movie. Clay's choice of movie was Star Wars Episode 1. **MOVIE SPOILER AHEAD** If you haven't seen it and plan to watch it soon, quit reading! ... at the very end of the movie Qui Gon Jinn dies. He's a good guy Jedi. Customary to Jedi ways, Qui Gon Jinn's body is burned in the presence of the Jedi council. So as we are all sitting there, watching Qui Gon turn into a crispy critter, Scott makes a sarcastic remark "I bet that smells good." Clay looks at him in disgust and says, "Dad! They're not going to eat him!" We laughed until we thought we couldn't laugh anymore! Even Clay started laughing but didn't know what he was laughing

  for.

 

After the laughter subsided, Scott thought it would be funny to come up with some kind of meal and call it Qui Gon Jinn. When I asked Clay what he thought Qui Gon Jinn should have in it, he commented: "Meat!"

That kid is not too slow on the uptake! So we enjoyed another round of laughter.

Hmmmm - it's moments like those I want to wrap up in my pocket, take out on a rainy day and just smile.....

It's Been Too Long...

December was a crazy time for our family. All the coming and going. Family gatherings. Church functions. Community celebrations.... whew. I'm glad December is over! There have been so many things to cross my mind -- "I've got to remember to blog that..." Even my family says stuff like, "there's something for your blog!" So in no particular order... here are some things you might have heard from a family member at one time or another in the last month:

"Mom - that lady comes to my class but one time I saw her - she downloaded her hair. It didn't look like that," said Nolan as he was pointing to a woman that comes to his classroom. "Really? She downloaded her hair?" was my reply. "No. Not off the internet or anything. I mean it wasn't up," he says while using his index fingers, placed closely to the back of his head, and pointing upwards.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Ha ha ha - Nolan, I'm gonna stick this in your kah-rotch!" Clay shouted, laughing at his brother with a new light saber in hand. They were supposed to be putting their jammies on. The word "crotch" is not totally acceptable in our home but it's better than some of the alternatives. That being said, my boys have turned that one syllable word into  a two-syllable one, which unfortunately, makes it even funnier. My response to that was to holler back: "No one is sticking anything in anyone's crotch!"... oh, my. If someone had been standing outside our front door - what would they be thinking right now??

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I am allergic to hard shellfish. I can eat shrimp but I will never know the joys of lobster or crab (although I don't know that I am totally missing out on that) dipped in butter. Mallory is apprehensive to even try crab because she wonders if she might be allergic too. Not the boys. They dive in face first. One of the last times we went out for dinner, Clay ordered shrimp and crab enchiladas. After eating till he was full, he poked a bunch of crab on his fork and waved it at Mallory. "Come on, Mal. Just try it. It's good." he says with a grin. "No, Clay, I don't want to."
"Come on, Mal! It's not going to hurt you. It's dead!"
Mallory laughs easy - which is so nice - cause all my kids have a beautiful laugh.... and Nolan doesn't want her to miss out either - so, thinking she might not fully understand dead.... "Yeah, Mal. They just went to the beach with their shotgun. Saw a crab. Shot it and cooked it. It's okay..." The restaurant was mostly empty on our side but there was enough laughter at our table to fill the place. We kept picturing someone jogging down the beach, with a gun, crab hunting. .....