Forty-One

Last week at church we had a Fall Faith Rally. I was only able to attend one night because I got sick. But Scott was able to go and God touched his heart with the message of forty-one. He came home from church talking about forty-one and now I am finding strength in the retelling of it. While I don't know the full body of how the speaker brought the message, I can share with you what for...ty-one means to me.

In the book of Genesis (30; 37; 39-40) you'll find the story of Joseph. You may remember it from the coat of many colors aspect? Joseph's brothers despised him; in fact, all but one wanted to kill him! They took his precious coat and tossed him into a dry cistern (an underground water resevoir or well) while trying to decide what to do with him. All but his brother Reuben decided to sell him to slave traders for 20 pieces of silver. And then off to Egypt Joseph went. Away from the life he loved. Away from the life he trusted. Away from the life that was familiar. Away from the life that was easy. But God was with Joseph and blessed him. His new master saw that God was with him and that God gave him success in everything he did. The Lord blessed the master, Potiphar, and his household because of Joseph.

Even while doing everything right, Joseph is falsely accused by Potiphar's wife. ("Hey Joey, have sex with me." "Uh, no that would be wrong." "Come on Joey, come to bed with me." "What part of no don't you understand?! "- I'm paraphrasing, of course.) Joseph did what was right in the eyes of God and still was thrown in jail. And not for just a couple of days. We're talking a couple of years! Potiphar sided with the wife. Most honorable men would side with the wife over the slave.

The point is - everything seemed to be going good for Joseph! He was the man in charge! The Bible clearly states that even under bondage and captivity, Joseph was blessed! How many times have we felt in bondage to our bills? In captivity to the daily grind? BUT in comparison to the rest of the world - we are enormously blessed. Beginning in chapter 41 - God sets about righting the wrongs in Joseph's life. Was it instant? No. Was their purpose in Joseph's journey? You bet. It wasn't until Scott shared this word from God with me that I realized I've been stuck in chapter 40 for a while. I've been in my own "Egypt" probably by my own doing in some areas. Away from the life I loved - I lost my Dad. Away from life that was familiar - my daughter moved to college. Away from the life that was easy - I had to put my dog down. Away from the life I trusted - my husband changed jobs. My husband lost his job. And here we are in limbo. Scary limbo. And yet God says, "Hang on! Chapter 41 is coming! I'm in the process of righting the wrongs. I'm in the process of healing the hurts. I'm still providing! Stay with Me!"

 

It's been easy to back way off. Hurt. Angry at life. Spiritually wandering. And God whispers, "Chapter 41 is coming."

It's easy to be bitter. Sad. Heartbroken. And God whispers, "Chapter 41 is coming."

And so the prayer becomes, "Lord, give me the courage to stay with You in my head, in my heart, and where You have me."

When I miss my dad. When I miss my daughter. When I miss my dog. When money is low and bills are high. When jobs are scarce. When gas prices soar. When the stock market falls. When the cupboard is bare. When there is no vacation. When I'm down. When I'm up. God whispers, "Stay with Me. Chapter 41 is coming."

Give me courage to stay, Lord. Give me courage to stand. In my head, in my heart, and where You have me during my chapter 40 because I know chapter 41 is coming. Love to you! sm

 

THINGS I LEARNED AT CHILDREN'S CAMP

-Camp in July is H-O-T. Even in the shade - yep, it's hot.

-You discover a love of oscillating fans you never knew you had. 

-One broken spring on a bunk bed can make turning over a challenge!

-You know that you are taller than the average bear when you are looking above the shower head. My chin was extraordinarily clean at camp.

-Little girls, flashlights, and fresh batteries are an interesting mix after midnight.

-No matter how old you are, popsicles are still really good on a hot, hot day.

-Kids are a lot of fun if you give yourself a chance to be silly and play along.

-A slip-n-slide, powered with dish soap, can get messy - but it's entertaining!

-If you give them an opportunity, kids can learn, understand, and share truths from God's Word.

We even learned a little about gardening...

-You always reap the same thing you sow. If I plant watermelon seeds and water it with tomato juice, won't I get tomatoes? No. Even as much as I like tomatoes, I will still get watermelons from a watermelon seed. In the same way, if I say that I love someone and yet hold a grudge against them in my heart - the only thing I'm really sowing is a grudge. I need to examine the things I am sowing in my life. I need to be planting love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Add in some forgiveness too for good measure.

-You always reap more than you sow. We don't get one green bean for each green bean seed we plant. We get several from one little seed. In the same way, when I harbor a grudge, it multiplies - and quickly. So pretty soon, not only do I have a grudge, but also I have hurt feelings, anger, resentment, bitterness, and the list goes on. But what I could have is more love in my life. More peace, patience, kindness - the things I really want. But I have to choose to let stuff go - even when I know I'm right, I was wronged, or someone really hurt me. If I give that to Christ and choose to forgive, what do I reap from that? Forgiveness. Peace. Love. Joy. Those are pretty good returns.
　

-You always reap later than you sow. In a society of "instant" this is always a hard lesson. But some times we do not see the consequences of our words, feelings, or actions until much later. Lamentations 5:7 says "Our ancestors sinned, but they are dead, and we are left to pay for their sins." My words, feelings, decisions, and actions really do have an impact. I need to keep my sin list short. I need to be right with God so that all will go well with my future generations. A fact to remember: Sin will take me further than I want to go; cost me more than I want to pay; and keep me longer than I want to stay.

-You cannot stay where you are AND follow Jesus. It's physically impossible to follow and stay at the same time.

-It's not the big picture I need to know, it's the Big Person in charge that matters.

-If you happen to play cards - Spades (one of our favorites) - we always know that the ace of spades trumps everything else. Even another ace. Heart, club, diamond - doesn't matter - ace of spades has them all beat. In the 52 cards of life, Jesus is the Ace of Spades. When Jesus says "do this", that's the time to move.

-If you follow Jesus one day at a time - faithfully each day - you'll always be right where He wants you to be. There's no need to worry about tomorrow because He's taken you right where you are supposed to be if you've followed Him to the best of your ability and with your whole heart.

-Faith is knowing and believing that God has a plan for your life. You trust His perfect timing. Each day we will have exactly what we need if we are trusting and following Him.

Here's hoping you've had a wonderful summer. Love to you!

Spring Already??

Have mercy. Where did the time go? There's been so many changes in our home since Christmas! I got a job!! Yes! Me! I got a job! An honest-to-goodness-get-a-paycheck job! So far, I really like it! I'm working at the school as a teacher's aide. Well, in the morning I'm an aide and then in the afternoon, I'm an aide for a special needs student.

Oh goodness - where to start? Mallory is band queen so coronation is in May. Prom is quickly approaching. We just got the dress. The A/C on the van was fixed just in time with all the warm weather we've had. We went on a college visit (blinks eyes several times to hold back tears). Graduation festivities are starting to be planned. Already? We are in a flurry of busyness trying to apply for local scholarships and such. We are planning another college visit in the next week or so. We are a little behind. This Momma never went to college so I'm quickly finding out it's not just -I'd like to go there, sign up and wah-lah - college! But, even being behind - we are trusting that God will provide everything we need (she needs).

Fingers crossed to get back to blogging again soon! Love to you! <3

A Heart Ready for Christmas

Ways to celebrate Christ as the central focus of your heart this Christmas season.

1) Give God one very special gift just from you to him:

Let this gift be something personal that no one else needs to know about, and let it be a sacrifice. David said in 2 Samuel 24 that he would not offer a sacrifice to God that cost him nothing. Maybe your gift to God will be to forgive someone you've needed to forgive for a long time. You may discover that you've given a gift back to yourself.

Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian who survived extreme brutality in a German concentration camp after rescuing many Jews from certain death during the Nazi Holocaust, was later able to say, "Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you." Perhaps your gift will be to commit to spending time with God daily. Or maybe there is something God has asked you to give up. Make this your most important gift of the season.~Mary Fairchild - about.com

2) Take the time to read the Christmas story in Luke 1:5-56 through 2:1-20.

3) Christ IS Christmas!

This world simply cannot spell CHRISTmas without Christ, though it keeps trying.~Dr. David Jeremiah

Without Him, there would be no Christmas! Prepare your heart to celebrate the joy found in that reason alone! Other than what He has given me, I have nothing worthy to offer Him. I offer my heart and He takes it - sin-stained and broken and makes it white as snow. (Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10) What a reason to celebrate!

4) Be just like the wise men...

Seek Him. Find that special place in your home, open His Word. Pray. Give thanks. Be joyful. Take the time to listen. Be aware that in the midst of all our busyness - He's that quiet peace that we need every day. We would never put the relationships that we treasure (such as spouses, children, grandchildren, best friends) on the back burner for a month or two. Seek out the One who loves us more than any other and spend time with Him.

5) It's okay to say no.

So many times we are over-scheduled, over-worked, shopped-out, wrapped-up that at the end of the day we have nothing left to give. It's okay to say no. Even to something that's good. Sometimes, saying no means we get to keep our homes peaceful and our hearts full of love.

6) See your traditions in a whole new way.

The Christmas tree: an evergreen tree symbolizes God's everlasting love. The lights represent stars of the heavens, and a big star on top represent the one the wise men followed to see Baby Jesus.

The Gifts: giving a gift is an act of love like God's love for us in sending Jesus. Each gift, as beautiful as we can make it, reminds us of the perfect gift, Jesus Christ as our Saviour.

The Candles: as we light candles during the Christmas season, they remind us how we are to be a light unto the world.

The Wreath: the circle, which has no beginning or end, reminds us of God's unending love for us as He offers us salvation.

The Candy cane: made by a Christian confectioner as a reminder of the Shepherd’s staff. Red and white - red for the blood shed by Jesus Christ, white for His purity.

The Holly: the holly's thorn like leaves remind us of Jesus' crown of thorns, and the berries symbolize the drops of blood He shed for us.

7) The whole Santa thing...

The original Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, was born in 4th century Turkey. He was a devoted Christian. He was known for his generosity and for his love of children. Saint Nicholas was known for taking to heart Jesus' words about almsgiving. "But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right is doing, so that your almsgiving may be secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you." (Matthew 6: 3-4)

Saint Nicholas was very generous to the poor, but most often anonymously. The most famous story concerns three young women whose destitute father was going to force them into prostitution in order to survive. To prevent this heinous crime, Nicholas, on three different nights, anonymously went to their father's house and threw a bag of gold though an open window. Saint Nicholas's generosity was transferred to the "jolly old man" who delivers gifts anonymously on Christmas Eve.

This year, I'm asking God for the spirit of generosity that Santa Claus possessed. To do good things for others - not for my own recognition - but for His.

I'm praying that your heart and home are both ready for Christmas this year! And from my heart to yours... Merry Christmas! Love to you! sm <3

30 Days of Heartfelt Thankfulness

 So I missed the first couple of days because of a s-l-o-w computer, but better late than never! I am so thankful and grateful for all that God has blessed me with and I acknowledge that everything I have comes from Him!

 Day 1: I am thankful for my family in general. Because of them I have joy and happiness and love!

 Day 2: I love my husband! I am thankful that he is a godly man who strives to do and be what God has called him to be. He does whatever is necessary for us and always provides for us!

 Day 3: I am thankful for Mallory! She's still my little baby girl even though she just turned 18. What a joy she is to me and I am excited to see the special plans that God has in store for her!

 Day 4: Today I am thankful that my singing and speaking gig went okay. I did manage to squeak out some coherent words and my food stayed down... NOTE TO SELF: stay away from the luncheon food if expected to sing after said luncheon.

 Day 4: It's my blog. I can have as many day four's as I wish... Today, I am also thankful for Clay! Slowly but surely I think he might be maturing if only a little bit. He is so very creative and loves to give me drawings that he did at school. I am praying that God will continue to grow him up and help him to use all of that creative genius that God gave him!

 Day 5: I'm thankful for Nolan! God sent him into our family to be the comic relief that we sometimes need! He's loving and kind and growing so much each day. I know that God has great plans in store for him and I am excited to be a part of it!

 Day 5: I am thankful for my sister Shannon. I'm not sure I felt that way when mom and dad wagged her home from the hospital when I was 6 1/2... but I am now! She's very smart and funny and even though she's been dealt some not-so-great cards, I know that God is using her and her life to affect and help so many people. She loves her family and is supportive of all of us - even on our really bad days - which are nothing compared to some of hers. She's family - I have to say she's my sister. But I am blessed to call her my friend.

 Day 6: It's actually Day 12. I am way behind but I have lots to be thankful for!..... My dad had surgery earlier this week and things look really good.

 Day 7: My sister Shannon was hospitalized with an MS flare up but she is getting better - slowly but surely.

 Day 8: My husband asked for a raise and got it.

 Day 9: My nephew Caleb asked Jesus to be his Lord and Savior at our revival this week.

Day 10: My sister Stacey is on the last leg of nursing school! She graduates next May and I am so proud of her!

Day 11: I am so thankful to be feeling better.

Day 12: I am a little all-over-the-map with my thankfulness. It's not nice and organized - it's kind of random. But then again, so am I. :-) Today I am thankful for the gift of laughter. My kids make me laugh - and we laugh easily most of the time.

Day 13: I'm going to be really busy tomorrow so I am being thankful early... I am thankful for cooler weather! We have had two days of cold rain - the leaves are falling down-down-down off the trees. Winter will be here soon!

Day 14: I am truly thankful that God has set me free. I have struggled with fear most of my life. The first six to eight months of this year were no exception. But through LOTS of prayer, being in God's Word and finally realizing that I am already free - I choose to have the faith to walk in His freedom. When I feel that fear is trying to choke the life out of me again - I place it under the authority of Christ in my life and trade it for His peace.

The Door of Hope

OUTSIDE TODAY...

The sun is shining. There is a light breeze. The makings of fall are right around the corner!

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

Family breakfast at the table. Working together to clean the mess. 

ON MY MIND...

My doctor's appointment on Monday.

 My mom's recent surgery.

Mallory's senior portraits.

Finances for Christmas.

PONDERING THESE WORDS...

By David Jeremiah

Hope is found in the valley of trouble (In the book of Joshua, the Valley of Acor = the valley of trouble). God allows trouble in our lives so we will seek Him for our help. What do you do when you have the sense that your hope has begun to fade? Decide to take action. The enemy of your soul wants to give you the impression that where you are right now - in your current state of mind - is where you will remain. That there's nothing you can do about it. That is a lie. You don't have to be where you are if you don't want to be. Determine to get to the core of the problem. Don't rationalize what you find. Don't make it worse than it is but own up to it. Deal with the problem honestly before God. Lay it out before the Lord. Destroy the barrier that is keeping you from the hope and blessing of God. Evil behavior takes away our hope as believers. Sin separates us from God. Hosea 2:15 says "There I will give her back her vineyards, and I will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope" Every time a Christian goes through a valley of trouble there is always a door of hope. Satan will tell you that this is a valley with no exit. When you are in the valley of trouble you have no confidence in your ability to serve God. 

God will meet you at the door of hope.  

FROM THE KITCHEN...

Chili tonight!

I think I will make something sweet today but what?

Cinnamon rolls? Maybe...

Love to you! <3

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1.03.01

The Fixer

Some childhood memories are fun and filled with laughter. Some are dark and filled with pain. Sometimes they are filled with both laughter and pain... It was a binding moment in my life. One I have carried in my heart of hearts since I was 11 years old. Thirty years later I still find myself lugging it around. I'm tired of worrying over it. Today, I am going to try to lay it down for good.

I had never known what a mid-life crisis was. That's the sort of thing you just can't explain to a child. But I saw the effects of it - it shattered my sheltered world and my perception of security. My mom, my sisters, and I had been out of town at Grandma's - my most favorite place in the world! I should have noticed it when I walked in our house... the air was different somehow. Not deep and robust anymore but shallow and vapid. I can't remember how I ended up in my mom and dad's room but there I was. Staring into their closet. Wire hangers that had previously held my dad's work clothes now hung there empty and cold. No shoes in the closet floor. Half-open dresser drawers once stuffed with socks, t-shirts and such now cavernous and starving. Suddenly, my mom was behind me, grabbing a letter from the top of the dresser with her name on it. She sat down on the edge of the bed as if the weight of the world had suddenly been flopped on her back. She read it silently. My older sister came in the room followed by my little sister.
"Dad's gone."
Gone? From what?
"When's he coming back?" I asked.
"I don't know." the hollow reply.

Most of my memories from that time are fragile and broken. A short time after that homecoming, I can remember standing behind our burnt orange la-Z-boy recliner, hanging forward over the back of it with my arms gently pounding the soft quilted upholstery, when a Commodores song came on... "Three Times A Lady". I don't know if it was on the TV or radio. But it made my mom cry. A heart-piercing, sorrowful cry. And I couldn't take it. I had to make it better. I tried to make her smile or laugh or something... just not be in pain anymore. Because in my eleven year old world, if a dad can leave - then a mom can too. If mom was really sad would she leave too? I didn't want to be left alone in a world without her or my dad.... And somehow that day, I appointed myself the "fixer" of the family. Crazy antics, jokes, smiles and funny gesturing. Anything it took to make my family happy. There were times that it just didn't work. But, oh, the times that it did were a confirmation that I was on the right track keeping everyone's frail feelings on the brink of laughter.

Now, I - The Fixer - am now confronted with things that I can't fix. Wounds I can't heal. Sorrows I can't mend. Diagnosis' that I can't change. Fears I can't subdue. So now what? Like my Grandma used to say, "I'm wound up tighter than an eight day clock." Under the weight of all the things I can't fix, I am becoming unwound, emotionally and physically. And God has revealed that open sore in my heart carried around by that 11 year old little girl. I am not the fixer... He is. I can't heal wounds - but He can. I can't mend sorrows -  but He can. He knew that diagnosis before the foundation of the world... He's not surprised by it and gives peace through it if I will take it. I am fearful of things I cannot change but He never changes. I can't be the fixer - as much as I want to be. God says He will carry it ... but I have to let Him. He says to cast all my cares on Him but I have to do the casting. He gives me the option to pick it back up anytime I choose. But it causes my knees to buckle and my heart to hurt. I am not the fixer.

I have long since forgiven my dad. I love him and wouldn't be who I am without his role in my life. We all make mistakes and where would I be if I had never been forgiven of all my downfalls and bad decisions? He's back at home with mom. They are probably sitting in the living room watching a western... I don't have to worry about being left alone anymore. That fear that has seemed a bottomless pit in my life for a  long time. But God has opened my eyes and really let me see the exquisite gift He has given me- my family. A husband that loves me and three magnificent children. I'm not going to be alone.

A lot of life has happened in the last thirty years... and there's a lot more to live. I'm going to let that 11 year old little girl go home to play. She doesn't have to fix it anymore. God's got that all under control.

A Life Remembered

Memorial day has never been one of those holidays I officially participated in. Oh, I definitely would take the paid day off - but never took the time to understand the holiday or join in the meaning of it. I guess I have reached that certain age and come to the realization of the impact of the importance of history to my family. It's time to honor the people in my life that hold such a dear place in my heart that have passed on.

Scott and I drove to the first of two cemeteries on Monday afternoon. As a couple of newbies to the practice, it took a while to find his grandparents. But we did. Scott lovingly bent down and brushed the dirt away from their headstone. Grandma just passed away in December so the hurt is still fresh. Scott placed his flowers. "I'm not sure what we're supposed to do," he said tearfully. "We're doing it," I replied. Standing there, remembering them with fondness. We looked over and Scott realized that his Uncle Bill was buried right next to his grandparents. Uncle Bill died when Scott was about 12. But it affected us recalling the history of lives located on two headstones. I think part of the reason we hadn't gone to the cemeteries before is because of the emotion it dredges up. Remembering the loss. But this time we chose to honor their lives...

We went to the next cemetery where my family was located. My first stop was my cousin Daryl who died from the result of a car crash. He was young - in his twenties and a full life ahead of him. He passed away in 1986 and yet standing there in front of his headstone, I recalled it like it was yesterday. Knowing that my mother, who was especially close to him, had been there honoring him touched me. And the largest, most beautiful offering of remembrance came from his parents. And I wept silently for them. For all of us. But I could see him walking beside Grandma in heaven. His gorgeous red hair as his crown. We moved on to my grandmother. I knew this was going to be hard for me... When I got the call in 2002 that grandma was taking a turn for the worst, I dropped everything I was doing and headed for home. An hour and a half drive might as well have been twelve. It took forever. I hurried into the facility only to find mom meeting me in the hallway. I was too late. "No! I had things I had to tell her!" I cried... After a phone call to my mom we finally found the right place. I had found a shimmery garden butterfly on stick that I chose instead of flowers. I wrote a note and attached it. I wanted to stand there and just say it out loud. All the things that grandma had meant to me. And I wondered, how do you thank someone for the way they lived their life? She was always there for me. My memories of staying with her as a child - we played games, she had an organ that she never fussed at anyone playing, vacation Bible schools, scooping out cottage cheese in little bowls and topping it with half a canned apricot (that always seemed so fancy to me), finishing each day with a bowl of ice cream or a chocolate shake, waking each morning to grandma sitting at the kitchen table in her house robe - hot cup of black coffee in front of her, greeting me with a smile and a hug, her making toast in an old-time toaster oven (no door) or my favorite, warming up frozen honeybuns on it! Grandma was a fabulous cook. Grandpa - who is now 91, used to complain that because she never wrote down the ingredients, she never made the same thing twice. As a young woman with wedding bells in my future, I would pour over her many recipe books with her. We would talk about how good they would be and if we would change anything. And she was my prayer warrior. I would go to her to talk about problems and I knew she would pray. She loved my daughter and Mallory loved her. Then suddenly the lady who had always been Grandma was now Mamaw. And it stuck... So now, standing at her gravesite, remembering her life and how much she influenced me I wanted to say thank you.

Thank you, Mamaw, for the way I remember you. Thank you for my own mother and how much of you is reflected in her. Thank you for the strong sense of tradition and values that you instilled in each of your kids (and grandkids and great grandkids). I know that your faith is sight. You are walking the streets of gold and standing by the crystal sea. I can see you walking with Uncle Pete and your brothers and sisters. Laughing with Daryl and Gregory and holding my heaven babies. I love you and I'll see you when I get there. Love, Steffi

We moved on and found my Uncle Pete. He passed on while I was seven months pregnant with Mallory. I searched for my great grandma and my little cousin Gregory who passed away when I was a child. While I was searching I came upon the fresh plot of my friend Gina... it was there that I understood fully the importance of remembering. She has a three year old son that needs to remember his mother. I have children that need to know why we are the people we are and who set the tone for it. If I don't remember those that had such a great part of my life, who will? Who will pass down their values and family traditions if I don't? Who will honor their memory? I will. I will not take lightly this holiday again. I will never forget the impact they had on my life and I choose to remember and to help pass on the precious memories of each of them.

A Momma's Love

It's that time of year. Graduations. End of the school session for another year. College plans. Summer camps. Yikes. This is it. I've got one more year with my oldest before she graduates from high school and heads off to college (she has no choice in that - whether she likes it or not). We went to our bestus friends' oldest daughter's graduation today and it just brought out so many memories of Mallory. Not only of her but also how I felt at the time. Not so much baby memories but recent, hard-to-grow-through memories. I don't think I have mentioned it as of yet. It still feels awkward for someone who likes to promote faith in God. At one point I was verbally shamed for my apparent "lack of faith", but thankfully a woman of wisdom set that straight...

It was almost two years ago now. At the dinner table, in the middle of Falls Creek church camp in southern Oklahoma, speaking with another sponsor. "I just don't think I could do what you are doing." Melinda looked at me with a smile. I kept talking. "I mean God and I would just have to have a long old talk about Mallory going on the mission field." You see, Melinda was putting her oldest child on a plane at the end of that particular week, with a group of supervised teenagers, and letting him fly. Across the ocean. Without her. London is not one of those first places you think of when you think "mission field". Usually most people think - Africa. China. Russia. But London, England? God needs His name taken everywhere, right? Even "civilized" places. It was hard enough for me to let Mallory go to the next county without me, much less even THINK about another country. Well, I was going to talk to God about that. Long and hard for the next year.

Two mornings after that conversation with Melinda (pictured above), Mallory came to me - tears welled up in her eyes. "Honey, what's wrong?" She looked at me with those big blue eyes, her bottom lip quivering a little. "Mom, I think God is calling me to go to London next summer." I was dumbfounded. Okay, Lord. Did she just say what I think I heard? That can't be. She's not old enough. "Are you sure? I mean, there are lots of places near home." I wiped tears from her face. "Yes. I've been praying about this since the first night we got here. I know I'm supposed to go." With a broken heart I told her, "Well, then we'll do what it takes. God will provide everything you need if this is His will." We hugged and cried together. And prayed. Oh, how we prayed.

God was true to His calling and to His promise to provide. He provided every last dime that she needed to go on that trip. And how that year flew. We got her passport. She got new luggage. New clothes. Adapters for hair appliances. New iPod. Then started the packing. We also had a week of church camp before she left for 10 days to London. Church camp went by so quickly - but God was speaking - loud and clear to me anyway. All week long, the same question. "Do you trust Me?" My reply everytime was, "Yes, Lord, I trust You." Easy to say - hard to do.

The day I had been dreading arrived. The registration process was basically at the same camp that we had been at all week but we were required to leave for a few hours so the camp officials could be better prepared. The student missionaries would go through three days of extensive training before going overseas. As we arrived back at camp, we were greeted by the same camp staffers only this time they were all sporting British accents and driving their golf carts on the wrong side of the road. We checked in and headed to a room full of other parents fixing to ship their kids off to a foreign country. Was I the only one who felt scared to death? What in the world was I thinking? All the other parents seemed so -- composed. I felt just minutes from a complete boo-hoo breakdown. My skin was the only thing keeping me intact. The people in charge were speaking - blah blah blah - rules and this - regulations and that - blah blah blah. I was only aware of how tiny Mallory seemed next to me and her Daddy. Her sweet disposition and kindness. Her warm hand in mine. Lord, help me get through this. Then - this exquisite moment that I can't even think of without a lump in my throat. "Parents, please gather a few students together. Form a circle around them and pray over your students." What?? My composure is that of a cat - thinking about throwing her baby kitten on a hot tin roof. I am barely holding it together. Oh yes, the dads -the strong ones- prayed. Thank God. My prayer would have been vocally offered but for the boulder in my throat. But wait... "Now, students, form a circle around your parents and pray for them while you are gone." Yes. I lost it. Quietly the barrier holding back the great flood of tears broke. Brief silence. Then a delicate squeeze of my hand... My heart busted with pride as Mallory was the first student to lift her parents and little brothers to God. All choked up, she managed to pray over us with an earnest love and gentleness that touched us deeply.

Then it was over. Kiss. Hug. The students were whisked away. One more prayer. And that was that. No more contact for 10 days. Students were not allowed to take cell phones. If there was an emergency you could call the people in charge. There would be daily updates posted on a blog once they reached their destinations. I don't know that I even felt my legs as I walked from the building. I was already mentally spent from a week at camp (little sleep, long hot hours, bunk beds, girls with issues that were heartbreaking, etc). And now, there was no lingering to tell her how much I loved her or give her one more hug. Driving away, we made it as far as the camp entrance and I had Scott pull over. I told her I would get a picture of the waterfalls by camp and I did... but I couldn't make myself leave. Scott kept saying it was time to go. We had to get home to the boys. I kept dragging my feet. Reluctantly, I climbed in the car and proceeded to leave the campgrounds in a heap of tears. Two weeks before her departure, we watched the news as a French airliner went missing off the coast of Brazil. All my fears exploded in the minivan. I wailed. I wept. I was a sloppy mess. I remember crying to Scott. "Go back and get her. I've changed my mind!" I was not kidding. There was no humor in that statement. I fully expected him to turn that van around and go get our daughter. "Honey, you've got to pull yourself together. Remember what you've heard all week? Do you trust God?" With tear-stained cheeks I turned to him and bawled, "Not anymore! You go back and get her right now!" With tender compassion and tears in his eyes, Scott grabbed my hand and replied. "Babe, we believe that our lives are Father-filtered. Nothing comes to us that hasn't gone through Him first." I screamed at him. "I know that! He just watched a plane full of 228 people crash into the Atlantic ocean! And He was okay with that!" The first two hours of our four hour trip home was spent sobbing. Can I be the only mom that felt this way?

What got me through the next couple of days was knowing that she was just four hours away. Mallory was on her "mission trip". I could still go get her. Everything was fine. Stay busy, Stephanie. She's fine. And then the fateful flight day. The students were taking a chartered bus to the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport. DFW?? My baby at DFW? The time came when I knew she was on the plane. Oh, I stayed busy alright. I spent the day doing yard work at my parent's home. I couldn't go in the house and let someone talk to me because I would fall apart. So I wept as I pulled weeds in the vegetable garden. I cried as I trimmed the hedges. I put on my praise music and whimpered quietly with the sound of the mower. I was a total basket case. Where was my faith? I headed home exhausted and proceeded to check the status of the flight all evening. Still in the air - what was taking so long? I just took my heart out of my body, let it get on a plane to fly across the ocean. Why hasn't it landed? The time came and went for the estimated arrival of the flight at Heathrow. Fifteen minutes. Nothing. Thirty minutes. Nothing. I am losing my mind. Finally, forty-five minutes late, at 3:30AM my time, I knew my precious baby girl was safe on the ground. Emotionally bankrupt - I surrendered to sleep.

I woke up the next day with new determination. Okay. She was there. It's all good. She's smart. She's got a good head on her shoulders. The adults in her group knew that or she never would have been chosen to go. Being a little more fit to be around human company - I went to our church's softball game that night. I was telling a mother on the team what had transpired until three-thirty the previous morning. Before she could reply, a man popped up and told me that I should be ashamed of myself. Shame on me for not trusting God. If he would have known that I was doing that he would have called me and told me shame on me. Wow. Where did that come from? Did I really need to be ashamed? I had spent the last couple of days on my knees, pouring my heart out to God - He knew what I had been through. He knew the level of strength and growth that would come from this time but shame?... My friend, new to our church at the time, looked at me with compassion as she whispered, "I would have done the same thing."

Days seemed to drag. How much I wanted to hear her voice and tell her that I loved her. How proud I was of her. That stinking cell phone rule! Then came the morning shortly after the "shame" incident, I sleepily grabbed the phone as it rang. Normally, if I don't know the number, I don't answer it. But I responded to that unknown number with the press of a button. "Hello?" There was a slight pause. "Momma?" I drew in a quick breath. "Hi baby!" Daddy sat straight up in bed. The two of us, heads pressed together against each side of the phone, hanging on her words. She said she was fine. She missed us. She was running out of coins for the phone but she wanted us to know she was doing okay."I love you Mom!" Like water to a thirsting man - God knew exactly what I needed. Deliverance from the prison of speculation. Peace. 

And yet I was still so torn. Shame? By the time Sunday rolled around I didn't know where I stood. Confused, I went to drop off Nolan in the nursery. Ann, my woman of wisdom - asked me (really asked me) how I was doing with Mallory being gone on her trip. I told her of the evening at the ball field and she sat there, her mouth hanging open in disbelief. "Oh, phooey. That's not a lack of faith, girl. That's love. That's a momma's love." Yes. That was it. That immense love that God gave mothers had reared it's ugly head. That fierce love came screaming out that long drive home from camp. Her sweet words, spoken with the true passion of a seasoned mother, soothed my ravaged soul like a salve. They still do. Mallory's flight home for me was not nearly as traumatic as the flight over. I couldn't check the status of the flight because I was traveling to go pick her up. I knew I had faith. God knew. He knew I had it in me all along. I didn't expect that I would be questioning it but He did.

 

  Anticipation swallowed me as I was watching each child get off the campus-police escorted bus. Waiting and waiting and then there she was! Glowing and vibrant. Beautiful and beloved. Tired and skinnier than when she had left. But home. In my arms. In Daddy's arms. Great sighs of relief.

 God used her. God grew me. I know that whatever comes her way, God has her in the palm of His hand. I just wish He'd fill me in on the details... but if I knew the details, there would be no reason to trust Him. So I look forward to this next year (that's going to fly by). I know I can say, "Yes, Lord, I trust You." and mean it. With faith, without shame and with a momma's love. "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9 (MSG)

A couple of funny things you might have heard around our house in the last few days:

Nolan: Gasp! "Oh mom! It's a peetee!" (translation-teepee, after seeing the green and white sun canopy that Scott and I put up in the back yard... which quickly had to be taken down 2 days later because of storms. Love that Oklahoma weather!)

Scott: "There's nothing funnier than two fat people trying to do karate in the kitchen."

Nolan: "Mom, what do we fill peecans up with? I got one at school but I don't know what to put in it." (translation: teacher sent home 35mm film canisters to put quarters in for Kids For A Cure.)